Remembering our first un-borned...

On this day last year, I went into labour without knowing it. After a terrifying harder than I imagined it to be labour, I delivered my darling, precious little one- Hannah.

In what feels like less than a blink of an eye, 12 months went by and today, she turns one.

While I stay up reflecting on the number of events that has came amd went by in the past year- on how grateful I am for having a child to embrace, how blessed I am, and how God has been so good, I cant help but be jolted back to 2010 when I was first pregnant with our first child, but whom I sadly miscarried. (I will refer to this child as a "he" because i felt he would have been a little boy.)

I think of him, yet, because of the joyous and happy celebrations, I chose to push thoughts of him out of my mind.

Thoughts like how he would have turned 6 this year, thoughts of how Hannah would have been  a younger sibling, thoughts of how his interaction with hannah would have been, and our lives would have been different if we had him in it.

The fact is, many people don't talk about these babies they have lost. Some find it embarassing, some find it awkward, some find it too sad, some find it too painful and some find it "no big deal".

But let me just say this loud and clear, a child - once concieved - is a child. They are both alive and a life. Their soul exist just as their beating hearts.

So, whether you've lost a child at 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks pregnant; or have lost them after delivering them premature or stillborn, a baby is a baby and that is YOUR baby. You have the right to grief.

It IS A BIG DEAL.

Perhaps the pain of losing a baby varies between different people and the extent they have grown, but they are babies, nevertheless. Babies you have lost.

So don't be embarrassed, and don't restraint your feelings. 

You absolutely have the right to cry, to remember them, to talk about them, to grief from time to time, and then to move on.

Even though their little hearts have failed, their souls are still alive, in heaven

And so, as my effort to remember him in my own small way, I labelled Hannah as "OUR RAINBOW BABY". A baby that comes after the loss of the one before.

Hence, everything about her first birthday is rainbow-themed- in remembrance of the little angel who is growing up well in heaven.

And this is how we celebrated our Rainbow Baby and our first un-borned.

DIY: How I baked a Giant Cake Smash Cupcake

I had a vision to create a Giant Cupcake when I chanced upon a random youtube video earlier this year, featuring a cute little girl playing with a giant cupcake. That is when I learnt of the term "Cake Smash" which is usually done to commemorate baby's first year! 

Since then, I have been looking out for photo studios, cake smash cakes as well as the appropriate backdrop and attire for Hannah's first Birthday Cake Smash. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find a reasonable priced cake (so far, many quotes I have seen are above $50, which I am unwilling to pay for). 

Hence I toyed with the idea of baking my own giant cupcake, like the one in the video!

So here is my first Giant Cupcake experience - there are 3 PARTS to it. 

FIRST part is on baking the cake itself; SECOND part is on making the butter cream frosting; THIRD part is to pipe rosettes all over the cake.

PART I 

Deciding on the recipe:

Since it was meant for smashing, the simpler the recipe, the better, hence I chose an easy bake sponge cake recipe from @aseasyasapplepie,

(Taken from above link)

Ingredients:

• 120 grams (1/2 cup+1½ tablespoon) granulated sugar
• 4 extra large eggs (70g/egg), at room temperature
• 1 teaspoon grated lemon zest or vanilla extract (optional)

• 120 grams (1 cup+ 1 tablespoon) cake flour, sifted (if you use all-purpose flour 120 grams = 1 cup)

*Important Note:

In the end, I used a total of 5 eggs (with the corresponding increase in sugar and flour) for the ACTUAL photoshoot Giant Cupcake. 

Instructions:

1. Take out the eggs from the fridge ahead of time or soak them for a few minutes in a bowl of warm water.
2. Preheat the oven to 170 degrees C (338 degrees F).
3. Butter (or spray with baking spray) a 20 cm (8 inch) pan.
4. Put the eggs, sugar, and lemon zest in the bowl of your stand mixer.
5. Beat the eggs until very fluffy and pale yellow (about 15 minutes on medium/high speed). To test that it has been beaten enough, let some of the mixture fall into the bowl, if it remains "sitting" on top it means that it's ready.
6. Sift the flour on top of the egg mixture, a little at a time, and fold it gently with a wooden spoon.
7. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Don't smooth the top or bang the pan on the counter, leave it as it is!
8. Bake for 40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. (Remember: do not open the oven for the first 20 minutes!)
9. Turn off the oven but leave the cake inside (put a wooden spoon to keep the oven door slightly open) for at least 10 minutes so it can cool down slowly. After that, remove it from the oven, let it cool 10 more minutes, loosen around the edges with a knife, then flip the cake on a wire rack upside down (without the pan) to cool completely.
10. Enjoy it!

Let's start baking the cake!

So, as per instructions, all started well. I had started to preheat my oven and greased my giant cupcake mold.

Step 1: Mixing the eggs, sugar, and vanilla essence together and whipping it on high speed for 10 - 15 mins.

Now, the mix is frothy and fluffy and we are ready for the next step!

Step 2: Sift in the Cake Flour

And this is where I got it all wrong!

For some reason, I totally don't remember I needed to FOLD IT IN and NOT whip it using a mixer!

So I continued sifting and whipping and sifting and whipping until all the flour was in the mixture.

This is the greased my Giant Cupcake mold where I poured the mixture in.

Step 3: Place the mold in the oven and work on the cream.

PART II

Making the Buttercream Frosting:

This recipe was from my tattered recipe book where I trialed and error a few times from the past baking projects and this is my best recorded buttercream mix.

Ingredients:

• 140g Butter (room temperature)
• 280g Icing Sugar
• 1-2 teaspoon of milk

*Important Note:

In the end, I used a total of 280g of Butter (double the amount of the above) for the ACTUAL photoshoot Giant Cupcake. 

Instructions:

• Mix the butter using mixer on high speed and add sifted icing sugar bit by but making use noth ingredients are fully incorporated.
• Add in milk to soften mix

Since I have decided on the theme to be pink and mint, the color needs to be mixed into the otherwise cream color butter cream.

NOW, how did I manage to get the mint green color mix? 

This is a real challenge cause I am very particular about the green I want. It is not the normal leaf green, nor lime green, not pastel green and not even the tiffany green, it has to be MINT. 

I thought I should pen this down to help save time for readers who might want to achieve this mint green because the process of searching and creating this green was really NOT EASY. I couldn't find a page that taught me the right mix of colors, some websites even suggested I bought a certain brand of green coloring (which I felt was risky business since everyone's idea of this mint green may be different!)

And finally I stumbled about this color chart from Food Network and IT WORKS (well, sort of)!!!

All you need is in fact the 3 basic food coloring colors of RED, BLUE & YELLOW. 

(The ones I am using are gel colorings from wilton)

Please download this food coloring chart here from @foodnetwork. 

So, the mint I wanted is on the 3rd row from the top, 2nd green swatch from the right.

The jargons in there was a little confusing, indicating 15b, 28g which I assume was 15 (drops) of Blue and 28 drops of Green, so what I did was simply to convert it into a ratio form which is an estimate of 1 unit of blue : 2 units of green.

Instead of trying the colors on cream (and wasting the cream, I tested it on fondant first!).

After a few times of trial starting with 1 drop of Blue + 2 drops of Green, and slowly increasing the Blue, I finally found the mint color that I wanted with this formula:

4 drops of Blue + 2 drops of Green

*Note: Green =  1 drop of blue + 1 drop of yellow = 2 drops of Green
And since I am using gel coloring, what I meant by 1 drop = 1 toothpick "poke".

The left most color is the mint color I was looking for.

PART III

Learning to Pipe a Rosette:

There are a few piping tips that can pipe a rosette and the one I chose was 1M tip from Wilton, simply cause I already own it. 

You can watch the following videos (which are my favourites among the many) to get familiarized with the technique of piping a rosette.

My finished trial cupcake that was collapsed in the middle (possibly due to the mistake I made while I prepared the batter).

My first try at piping rosette on the top of the cupcake.

On close observations, the cream texture appeared slightly grainy and I believe it was due to not piping the cream immediately after preparing it as I stored it in the fridge and took it out later to let it warm up to room temperature and was too lazy to re-whip it again.

The completed trial Cupcake.

Obviously, I wasn't too impressed with this trial of mine, so I did abit of practicing for the piping technique.

Alas, this was the Giant Cupcakes that I prepared for the actual photo shoot turned out just as I wanted. Perfect practice does make perfect.

(Big one for the photo shoot, smaller one as a backup)

I am extremely proud of this actual, completed Giant Rosette Pink & Mint Cupcake!

My 1st DIY - How I made a no-sew Tutu Skirt

I have seen so many passionate mums wanting to make something personal for their little ones, from dresses to quits (made of their infant clothes) and even teddy bears (yes, teddy bears!). I wish I had that kind of talent, unfortunately, I don't - though I hope I will someday learn to make a quilt for her.

So, since she is turning 1 in slightly more than 1 month, and I am planning a DIY cake smash photography for her, I decided that I could dress her in a cute little tu-tu skirt, but when I googled for where to buy them, many many tutorials on how to MAKE them actually came out and it didn't seem that difficult, so, I decided I could make her her very first and very own tulle skirt. 

I followed the exact instructions from this blog Katie Crafts, where the author really did an excellent job in explaining each step, so you could probably pop-by if you want to learn to make your own tulle skirt.

There is some homework to be done before I got started. 

Needed materials:

Waist Band, Tulle Material, Sewing Kit and lots of patience!

1. 1 inch (1") = 2.54 cm

2. Where can I get tulle fabric that comes in a roll of 6" x 25 yard dimensions? 

- I found a seller on carousell but I couldn't be sure of the color, hence I preferred to look and feel at spotlight and indeed, I found what I wanted there paying a total of S$21.50 for the measurements I required.

- At spotlight however, they only sell it in large dimensions instead of 6" rolls, hence I was prepared to do the extra work of cutting them into 6" widths.

3.  Waist measurements? 

- Since new born measurements are 13" in waist (which meant 14" with 1" for overlap) therefore 6 - 12 month old will require about 16" in waist.

- Not sure what waist length? See here, (another blog featuring all the different dimensions you'll need).

- So this meant I needed 17" waist band in order to have 1 inch overlap for gluing together.

4. Length measurements?

- My estimated tutu length should be 7-8 inch long (after it is folded into half & knotted), it meant the cloth need to be 7" x 2 (for folding) + another 2" (for knot) = 16" which meant I needed to cut up the cloth into rectangular strips of 6" x 16" (15cm x 40cm)  

- Total number of such rectangular fabric needed = 36 pcs x 2 different colors for better layering effect.

So the DIY began!

She loves her tulle and even used it was a mosquito-net... 

in this Zika-threatening times.. what better way to be fully protected?

I gotta admit, the cutting of the fabric was very tedious - 

cutting up a big cloth of 1.8m x 1.5m  into rectangles of 40cm x 15cm. 

Confirming that I got the length right!

Finally, overlapping he 2 different colors and knotting them over the waist band.

I was really excited with this project and tried it on her the very next morning!

TADA!! Pretty?

All in in, I spent only 1 evening getting this done. Most of the time was spent on cutting the fabric. When it comes down to tying them all up, it actually took about 2 hours?

Overall, I am really pleased with my first DIY!

I hope you mummies reading this will be inspired to do your own DIY! 

It will create a special memory for you and your girl!

The guilt of being a Full-Time Working Mum

I am not sure if all working mums go through the same emotions when they return to work, but so far, all the mums I know relates well with this statement, "I feel so guilty..." followed by a heavy sigh of helplessness.

Motherhood is a major change in lifestyle, habits and routine. We have technically spent 9 months with our babies developing in us, with majority of our choices revolving around "Will this do my baby good?". Then after welcoming them into the world, with tears of joy (and pain) and taking care of them for their every need and whimper, our time is up and we have to return to work, reverting to the previous lifestyle (as when baby has not arrived yet) while leaving them in someone else's care. 

All these changes from conception to birth to post-delivery takes about 1 year. It is not long, but it is not that short either! It is no surprise why some new mothers fall into depression.

And here are some instances from my own experience which I believe many working mums could relate to: 

Waking up in a rush every morning, having to get dressed, makeup and leave home.

   

There is absolutely NO time to cuddle, play in the sheets, baby talk. At most, I can only entertain her while she is in the cot while I am line my eyes.

Witnessing her fall, even though she was just right in front of me.

This picture was taken right after she fell an hit her forehead on the floor. 

Because they grow so quickly, I couldn't catch on to what she was capable of doing then and thought it would take some time before she could roll-over. But I was so wrong, she forced herself over the pillow just to come closer to me and fell! 

My husband came into the room to find us both, crying.

Watching her play and witnessing milestones unlocked over the phone. 

Via photos and videos

  

 

That's me trying to recreate a funny play moment with her after work.  

I can't help but check my phone every now and then, waiting for a photo or a video to be sent in to see what she has been up to. If it was her "first" something (i.e. like first time she turned etc.) I will feel extremely guilty about not being there to see it, and hope she will repeat that action "live" again when I got home.

And after that, I feel guilty about not focusing at work.

Carrying her up from the car while she is already sound asleep and just watching her sleep.   

I brood over how there are 24 hours in 1 day and yet I only get to interact with her for less than 3 hours daily. That is about 1/8th of the day.


While I am grateful for the fact that my mum is her main caregiver during weekdays and I have  the bestest baby carer around with nothing to worry about;

Grateful that I still get to see her everyday (some parents only get to see their babies once a year or even less!); 

Grateful that I get to spend 100% of my weekday night and weekends with her; 

Grateful that I have a job that also means the ability to indulge more in terms of lifestyle;

All these gratefulness does't make me feel less guilty as the days pass by. They pass by so very quickly, especially since we are always rushing- 

Rushing to get out of the house in the mornings so as to be on time for work; 

Rushing to finish work so that there is no need to bring any "homework" back to do; 

Rushing to get off work and go home to see baby... (where I looked forward to the only time of the day -  in the night) where we could possibly spend time cuddling, baby talking and just enjoying the moment (but then, that time passes so quickly); 

Then, rushing to pump milk, to finish up the unfinished/ never-ending household chores so that I can rush to bed and be recharged for the next day - where the cycle of rushing repeats itself, 5 days a week, every week.

And as if coping between work and baby isn't enough, these priorities co-exist with other important roles, where we working mums need to also time-share with things like expressing milk (multiple times per day), caring for aged parents and (at some point, hospital-proned, attention-needing) in-laws, mantaining some form of social life, last but not least, (and in fact, the most important, yet neglected) role of being a wife, lover and helpmeet to my husband.  

Google, and tons of articles to deal with a working mum's guilt will surface, but such feelings and solutions are a matter of perspective and willingness to change one's mind.

Somewhere, someone, something's gotta give. It is a matter of when, who and what?

What really happens during Maternity Leave

The image I had of Maternity Leave was just awesome, like - A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

I mean, it is 16 weeks of PAID leave. I am going to have all the time in the world to spend me-time with myself - do things I love, indulge in my hobbies, stay home all day, hang out all day, chill, spend every moment with my newborn, and STILL have money to spend.

So, naturally, I made plans. They ain't big plans, they are simple ones like, going grocery shopping, window shopping, meeting friends during weekdays over lunch, hanging out in cafes and just enjoying the simple pleasures of life on weekdays (things that I don't get to do since I am always working on weekdays). I planned to read, cook and bake, alot. I even planned to take up a self-enrichment course.

Seriously, I do have better-than-average time management ability, and if I could cope so well at work, managing stress, meeting deadlines and all, surely I could cope with my newborn and achieve all the plans I had in mind. After all, she is just a baby, and my baby at that - I will manage her so that we can all have a happy AWESOME 4 months of chillaxing time before I get back to work.

Right?

So WRONG!  

As a first-time mum, everything is new and because I am naturally optimistic, I tend to see everything with bright, twinkling eyes - like - wow... everything is gonna be soooo wonderful!

And then reality struck me when I delivered my little one naturally, without epidural (read here for my delivery room experience) and as the days pass, I realize nothing I planned for was actually coming to pass!

So this is what really happens during Maternity Leave:

#1. She is not JUST a baby - she is EVERYTHING a baby.

"How bad can it be? She is just a baby." - I used to think.

Don't underestimate the needs of a tiny newborn. They aren't as easy to please as when they were baking in your tummy. It used to be just you craving for certain foods, you feeling the urge to pee all the time, you having mood swings, you being unable to sleep etc. and you suddenly realize that all that were easier to deal with as compare to the little bundle in your arms; where you have to feed her, bathe her, change her, care for her, put her down to sleep, entertain her etc. as she is completely incapable of dealing with anything on her own. So you have to do it, cause you are after all, the mother.

Just for the record, she feeds every 2 -3 hours, which is  8 -10 times daily; she soils her diapers every few hours and needs it changed 5 - 6 times daily. Feeding is followed by a compulsory burping moment, followed by some entertaining (if baby is still awake), - nope, you are not being entertained, you are the one entertaining! -  followed by any washing/changing, followed by putting her back down to sleep.

And just so you know, a breastfeeding mum can take anytime from 30 - 60 mins to feed (via direct latching, even if you ain't direct latching and expressing your milk instead, it will take you equally long to express that milk).

Finally, when she sleeps, you think you will have time to yourself, but ...

#2. There is absolutely NO me-time.  

After handling everything in #1, where you meet all of your baby's basic needs, you realize you have to meet your own basic needs too before the cycle repeats.

You could possibly have a maximum of 60 mins and minimum of 30 mins left to yourself where you will probably spend bathing yourself, preparing your meals, having them, washing up whatever bottles, breast pumps, dishes and getting around the daily household chores like cleaning up or clearing the laundry.

Because you will be spending time just getting the basic things done (which you may not even find enough time doing), it is better not to dream of indulging in all those "me-time" stuff cause you are likely to get disappointed.

#3. Being topless most of the time.   

Nope, I am not trying to be horny when I say this, because if you do the math on the number of times you have to breastfeed and express milk, that actually takes up alot of time. Now, how sexy is that?

#4. She doesn't follow any of your plans.

Before you know it (and sometimes, before you even complete 1 task), she wakes up and you have to fulfil her needs all over again. It doesn't matter if you have tried to schedule her feeds to be xx hours apart so you have a better estimate, it doesn't matter if you already planned to do something during xx period of the day, and it doesn't even matter if you haven't even slept a wink the night before. If your baby is crying/wailing, your instinct will lead you to satisfy her first before all else.

Trust me, there will be times where you really want to eat, or pee, or shit, but you just gotta wait; and there will be times where you think she will be done feeding in 15 mins, but she takes 30 mins instead; and there will be times where you think you could put her down to sleep in 10 mins, but she take 60 mins instead. And better still, there will be those times where she will refuse to sleep unless she is sleeping ON YOU, and in those moments, you will not even be able to get to point #2.

So, really, there is little point in making plans, since they will not adhere to your timetable.

Yup, she loves sleeping ON me.

#5. There will be days where you are being puked and peed on.

You have to accept that, no matter how OCD or clean-freak you are, there will be times where your baby vomits on you while feeding or burping and there will also be times where their diapers leak or that they pee/shit on you while you are washing them up. And the sad thing is that your baby doesn't care. As if you ain't busy enough, now you have extra things to wash up!

#6. And it gets noisy cos she may be tiny, but she is LOUD.

So, you can forget about having "peace", regardless day or night. There are times where I just barely fell asleep only to be woken up within 10 mins by her wails, that I felt would have also woken up my whole neighbourhood! And even after trying all ways to soothe her back to sleep, she continues crying like there is no tomorrow.

#7. You will never be alone. 

Now, that she has arrived, she is a physical little human who is almost permanently attached to you emotionally, mentally & physically.

Technically, you are never alone, hence every activity you plan to be involved in has to allow you to bring her along, e.g. you don't suppose you could go for a swim while bringing her along, do you?

See, she is attached to me.

Now, please do not misunderstand this as a complaint, it is not.

This basically sums up my chapter on what really happens during maternity leave, in a more "technical" sense. (I am not even going into the emotional state of mind, which you can read about in here).

It wasn't a breeze and it is definitely not easy being a new mum, but it is absolutely WORTH it!

So, next time you see a new mum during maternity leave, please don't say something stupid like "Wow, how was your break?" or "Wah, how did you enjoy your 16 weeks of leave, so shiok ah?" These are among the most irritating and annoying comments I have received. Stop being ignorant now that you have read it up to here.

It would do good if you simply asked "How are you?" because it acknowledges the mum as a person, as her, as well as the work she has done and not just focus on "How is the baby?" alone.

Now, if you don't know what to say, then just don't say anything at all. It will also be fine that way.

Finally, I just wanna say CHEERS to all the mums out there! You guys are doing a great job! Even if you feel you are not perfect, it is OK (nobody really is!). Afterall, it is the first time you are a mother too.

My 7 weird signs of Motherhood

I have always known that one changes after becoming a mum. But, what I didn't know was how drastic, yet subtle it would be.

After spending 3 full months caring for little En En on my own, I discovered - things that I used to spend seconds doing... I can now spend hours doing instead.

Ironically, things that I spent hours doing previously, I can spend minutes doing now...

Better still, I find myself doing things that I completely don't see myself doing previously.

So here are some signs of Motherhood that I know I'd always fondly remember: 

1. Hand washing baby's clothes, when I've never even bothered hand washing my own.

And I am guilty of washing them so hard, repeatedly, as if it were bacteria-infested (and this is when she hasn't even worn it for the first time).

2. Letting her have my "chou chou" even when I have made a conscious promise that my "chou chou" is MINE and MINE alone.

We completely enjoy sharing the bacteria as we share the love.

3. Making sure she gets her milk, even when my own stomach is growling in hunger.

Yup, I know, I'm a great mum.

4. Hanging baby's clothes in my beautiful balcony to dry - when I've always wondered why people have to turn their beautiful balconies into ugly ones with all those hanging clothes. 

I offer 2 reasons here:

 - I secretly think the air is cleaner in the balcony.

 - My baby's clothes are so cute they actually make the balcony look cuter.

5. Taking 1 hour to make 1 cup of hot MILO and another hour to drink it, cold.

I know right, how difficult can making milo be? "Just add water..."

I've came to realize there are many steps involved in making 1 cup of milo, and they include running to and from baby, boiling the water, diaper-changing, scooping milo powder, rocking baby, warming milk, feeding, spilling, settle some crying, cleaning, washing bottles, pumping milk and finally, you get to enjoy your cold milo after you have bathed the little one. All in all, about 2 hours flat.  

6. Allowing myself to get shit-ed and pee-ed on and still to keep calm. Especially for an OCD person like me.

The true spirit of motherhood is patience. What's all these compared to her lying next to my bladder for 9 months?  

7. Over-packing our outing bag "just in case".  

What's not to like when my diaper bag actually doubles up as a toning and firming arm exercise?