Monday, 27 April 2015

A new chapter of life...

A post dedicated to my lovely family - the Cheoklets -  because I wanna share my joy with you guys in the most real way possible!

It's been 3 months and finally, I am breaking my silence to say 

I haven't been able to say this 3 simple words easily.

Each time I am tempted to say it, I fear I might not be the next day - it is a complex feeling of wanting to share my excitement and yet having such a phobia because I know how fragile life is at this stage - there is really nothing you can do but to trust in God's protection and deliverance - especially for me, when I lost my first in 2010.

Year after year, relatives ask about when we were gonna have a baby and my reply changed from "not ready yet" to "coming soon" but the wait was way toooooo long.... 

It's been 8 years and people were sensitive enough to not ask anymore. 

Maybe it wasn't a matter of wanting/not wanting a baby, but a matter of not being able to have one?

I've seen the chinese doctor to get my body more synced up by taking herbal remedies everyday for a good number of months, and we have plotted our dates (as much as we know how to) so we can do the baby-dance right, we even learned the term "carpet-bombing", but nothing worked out and the stress is very real. I even wondered that perhaps being a mother is not the plan for my life.

It made me cry on sleepless nights and nothing can comfort me except the word of God.

"For I know the thought that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you future and hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

In fact this time round, we weren't even expecting to be expecting. The longest wait for us (and I think many other couples), was when we "expected" to be expecting. That 2 - 3 weeks after the week of ovulation was the longest wait - waiting to test positive on the pregnancy kit (or not).

And particularly for this month, since we weren't exactly active in our baby-dance, nor did we have the energy - he was exhausted with work, fell sick, and I was stressed out that we were not gonna have a baby this year (again) - I expected my period to come on time (as it usually did). 

We even had a serious discussion and decided to get our bodies examined next month, to get professional help. If it was going to cost a bomb that's just too bad, we are in a desperate situation, was there really a choice?

We only made ONE attempt this month and it was not even measured to accuracy. But I remembered my conversation with God:

"God, if this is your will, even if we only have 1 attempt; even if it is not the ovulation period, and I have no other medical enhancements to help, Lord, I believe You can restore us and grant us a beautiful baby, a champion baby, I put all these in Your hands and I believe in Jesus name, amen!"

And, my period didn't come. After missing it for 1 week, I took the test half-expecting that I could just be stressed out and not pregnant.

I got a clear positive on a cheap pregnancy test kit.

I was excited, but also half wondering if this test kit is inaccurate since it is cheap?

Without any creative ideas to disclose this information to my unsuspecting husband, I just ran to him and said, "erm, I am pregnant!" and because he was unsuspecting, he was at a loss for reaction and all he was able to do then, was to flash a 60-second long smile, from 1 ear to another.

Though not dramatic, I know with my heart, that was a very real & genuine expression for him. I cannot imagine myself being stunned and smiling for 30 seconds without jumping up and down!

I sent this image to 2 important people in my life. 
The first, my own sister, and the second, my best friend, who is my God-given sister. :)

Even though I can hardly contain my excitement, I had to! Until I've seen a doctor, at least. 

You know how people say you become quite scatter-brain once you become pregnant?
I hate to agree, but for the record, I DID LOSE my very precious engagement ring the very next day! 

Of course no one on FB knows that it's because I became a pregnant-scatter-brain. Everyone felt pity that I lost something so precious.

But only I know - what I have in me is even more precious than that ring I've lost. So even though I was really upset, I was uplifted and comforted with the little one in me.  

Finally, after a couple of online read-ups and forum-scanning, I decided to visit one of the gynaes located in Mt Alvernia - Dr Esther Ng Shwu Yong, EN Clinic for women.

She is extremely friendly and reassuring. 

And there I have the very first idea of what our lil one actually looks like, at about 6th to 7th week,  
the size of a pea at 0.69 cm.


It is sucha magical moment because this "pea" has a heartbeat! And a very loud one.

Truly as the bible says:
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart."
Jeremiah 1:5

The next few weeks was yet another long wait because this is the most crucial time (I believe), the baby is forming and this IS the stage where you either make it or not.

"I must make it through the 1st 12 weeks"

I was counting down each and every single day, a even longer wait than the post-ovulation wait.

I even thought that I'd rather experience some really serious 1st trimester symptoms so as to be sure that the baby is growing well. I don't know where I got this warped idea from - but this is where I discovered my love for the lil one I have not even met - the love of a mother is very real, they would rather be the one in discomfort than to let their little ones come to any harm.

Finally, my appointment date arrived and at the 9th-10th week and this time, the scan showed a more precise form of our baby. In a short 3 weeks, my lil one has a developed defined head, body, arms and legs. 

And even though his/her arms and legs are so small, they were moving non-stop, punching and kicking up and down - he/she must've known we were watching!

The next appointment was 1 month later where we were scheduled for the 1st Trimester scanning test to test for low/high risk and a few other factors that I cannot remember.

Praise God the results came back VERY WELL.

Those 4 weeks of waiting was yet another long wait because I just couldn't help but want to see and know how my lil one is doing?

And this time round, the scan really gave me an awesome surprise. 

This is sucha beautiful image of him/her relaxing in my womb - and his/her arms and legs were just moving non-stop! The only time they stopped was when the doc needed to get the measurements done. I already love his/her playfulness!

I am well past the 12th week and heading towards the 14th week right now as I write this. 

My pregnancy has been a good one so far, no nauseating - only a fair amount of exhaustion, a lack of appetite and an extremely heightened sense of smell that makes ANY smell, smell. So I do get a bad headache because of it. 

Nevertheless, I am so thankful and in awe of God's divine protection and deliverance over this period of time and even moving forward, for what is to come. Without His faithfulness, we both wouldn't be enjoying this wonderful journey. It is our daily prayer to thank Him for everything His has done, sometimes, we don't even know how God has averted evil because He doesn't need to show us how, He is like the Father who loved us even before we came into form and delivers us without us even knowing. And we will continue to dedicate this baby into the hands of God, thanking Him for every moment, for His blessings, that this lil one is pure, walks well and be taught by none other that our Lord Himself, to know his/her purpose and the child of God.

I'd end right here with a beautiful video I have found online about the formation of a baby in the womb and what an amazing process this is - the very proof that God is the maker of life.

"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:16

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the gift of the womb is a reward."
Psalm 127:3