Wednesday, 8 December 2010

I will be negative no more

Time really pasts by like *blink*

It's the last week before my next school term.

I have been busy since the last school term ended on 19 Nov. First Hweeli came over, then Rose and family came over. I am really glad they came. Because of them, I felt some sense of "familiarity" and warmth.

For the 2 weeks or so (before they came) I was feeling sort of melancholy.

Yes, I was the one who chose to stay back to study. But the excitement of "adapting" and "learning" has evolved into some sort of "unfamiliarity" and "fear". I guess it is normal to start missing your comfort zone and family after the initial adrenaline.

On the contrary to what some people may think (by "people" I mean to say my family, friends and all those who are involved in my life and who knew I made this decision to stay back) that I stayed on because I was having too much fun to return.

It is not true.

I am NOW already counting down to my return to Singapore on 24 Feb. I miss home so very much.

But, I made this decision to stay because I know, if I went back not fully doing my best and making the best effort to learn whatever I can, I will surely come to regret it.

At that 3-month mark, there were just too many distractions. First to adapt to the new environment, then to make more friends, then to go experience & "play", tour re-discover myself, draw closer to God and to top it off - to study. That's a bit of a mouthful. More than I can swallow isn't it?

Along with all those "try-tos" you somehow face disappointments, when the outcomes are somewhat different from what you expect.

I haven't really talked much about some private thoughts that's been bugging me, but they will all be in this entry.

Times when people don't take me seriously (possibly because I am foreign and adapting to a new environment). Times when I get "flown a kite" or requested to attend something only at last minute.

That's when I feel I am not being taken seriously and this has not happened for a long time. Not for a person like me. Someone who shoots my mouth off, giving anyone who does that to me a wholesome piece of my mind!

Times when I study so. darn. hard. and the results still sucks! And some other negative experiences, that I have chosen to forget. (Just because I don't write about it doesn't mean there are none)

Times when I am just so cold. I wish I could teleport to Singapore. It is really getting to me. I cannot express how much I am starting to hate the cold and gloomy weather. Just puts me back into a hibernating mode every time I wake up.

And there are times, I "lack attention" the feeling that nobody cares.

Of course I know my family and friends love me and are just 1 phone call away. But. There are just times like that.

You wish you could spend time with people you know and you love and not be alone.

I do enjoy being alone. But the feeling is somewhat different when you live alone abroad. And it doesn't help when my mood is gloomy and the weather gets gloomy. And I don't know which one comes first?

So now, after recognizing all that, I have learn to focus! (Am I a die-hard FOCUS Adventure fan or what?!)

Focus on the positive. Focus on the hope of God. Focus on keeping the faith.

GO AWAY all distractions and negativity!

I am going to overcome these!

I decided that nobody makes me feel "negative" apart from myself.

I have decided to convert all the negativity I have accumulated into positivity. Logically, if you had the ability to think one way, you have the ability to think the other. It's not "can" vs "cannot" but "want" vs "don't want".
Imagine the kind of emotional damage those negative emotions can cause?

Then imagine how my world of thinking would change if those negative emotions were converted to positive ones? Whatever you think (negatively), think the opposite.... that's a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE!

The joy of God has somewhat lifted me up even though I "feel" down.

From the time I was back in Singapore - up to now - nothing is too hard for my Abba. He is with me everywhere. Though the flesh is weak and we often "feel" sad and negative, "feelings" ain't reliable. They change too often.

The only constant is Him. And He has shown me His presence in so many ways. How could I ever think I was not cared for?

He always sends "angels" to drop me a  msg just to remind me that I am loved. A phone call from a random acquaintance to ask me how I am doing whenever I feel down.

He blesses me with a great Taiwanese friends whom I can complain to or whenever I have a problem.

He always never fails to fix things.

He makes a stranger an angel.

He sends me the right information. Places the right people in my way. Plans for my friends to be here at the right time, just when I need it most. Talk about the meeting the right people at the right place, and the right time? He does all that!

Even now, that I am down with flu, my housemate (sister) just makes me a steamed-pear remedy to help me feel better.

He blessed me so much, how can I ever feel negative?! I don't have time for that.

From now - NO MORE negativity.

I will only focus on studying and experiencing, and God handles the rest.

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